I guess thought is quite possibly the bane of my existence. So anyway at the place where I work (which yes I still immensely despise) there's a guy who I work with called Larry. Now Larry reminds me a lot of me except he's 25.
So anyway I went the pub with him after work tonight; after I'd worked from 10am to 10pm (yes I am absolutely knackie-knooed now) and we were just talking about things. He's a smart guy, did Media at Goldsmiths and is learning Japanese. But we were generally talking about work, how much the stuff our boss does is completely devoid of logic, whether she's lonely outside of work, why the management seem to be so oblivious to simple things that can improve the effectiveness of the company, why people stay in jobs they hate and so on and so forth.
Now don't get me wrong that's not a bad conversation, heck, it's actually quite interesting (in my opinion). But where I work I'm generally one of the youngest people there. The youngest being about 18, me being 21.
Now I like my work colleagues and get along really well with them, but even the one who's 18 I feel like there's some sort of experience abyss between them. They constantly talk about things they did at Uni, during their teenage years and after they graduated.
I think about my life; I don't even know which man my mother conceived me with. My "father" that I grew up with for 6 years between age 5 and 11 I haven't seen for nearly 11 years now. I was born in a district hospital in a field in the middle of nowhere in Norfolk. I've spent the past 10 years of my life living with my mother and her boyfriend that I absolute dislike. I had them being overprotective as a child in my teens to the point where my friends used to stop asking me if I wanted to go out. I spent most of my first year of Uni living away from home but never really did much as I spent most of it online talking to people I'll probably never meet.
So when I have these deep conversations with people 4, 5, 6 sometimes even 10 years my senior - it makes me wonder. Should I really be this aware of what's going on around me. I literally went straight through the education system. School, 6th Form, Uni, Job. Bish, Bash, Bosh. Where's the part where I actually lived? Either I've matured far beyond my years through, in relative terms, little social experience or I'm not really matured at all.
I mean in the "ideal citizen" world type place I'm probably the model of perfection. Straight out of education into the workplace, no fuss, no mistakes. But in the real world, surely I'm a bit... boring. I mean I'm in a job where most of the people I work with in the company who are also doing similar entry level jobs are all like 3 - 6 years older than me and have so many interesting stories to tell.
Have I just missed some huge part in my life? I mean some people say to me that I'm smart and aware and yadda yadda and that they envy me for it. But am I really? I'm stuck in a job I hate that pretty much is going to get me nowhere (how many young people in this day and age can't type text into boxes on computer screens), feel like I've probably wasted 3 years of my life at University that I could've done so much more with - even if I ended up getting the same degree, which seems to be an increasingly worthless degree at that. Even after realising this I come to the dawning realisation that I have no idea what I want to do, what I'm good or even capable at...
Really, have I actually lived at all? I mean this is all before I even begin to consider the transgender stuff.
Where's the less glamorous part of my life. The going out with friends. Throwing up on street corners. Making mistakes and learning from them. Have I just been sucker punched into followingly naively some ideal of "the way to live your life" and subsequently haven't lived at all. And now I'm roped into a job that has a killer commute, crap shifts and little reward.
I feel like a battery hen and have no idea who or what to turn too.
Or maybe I'm just equally deluded into believing that life, sometimes, is actually meant to be fun...
And why, oh why, do I have to even think this damn much over all of this!
I'm feeling: 
aggravated
chipper
annoyed
bored
artistic
contemplative